Me and my buddy got us a wild hair
And figgered we wanted to go somewhere
So we loaded up in my ragtop Chevrolet.
We had a little bit of money
And a whole lotta show
And, with Hank Jr. blaring on the radio,
We got a tank full of gas and we were on our way.
We figgered we’d go down to New Orleans.
We were barreling down on 17
When a man with a blinkin’ red light was on our tail.
He said, “You were doing 60 in a 45
But I’m gonna let you go this time
But if I catch you again, I’m gonna slap you in the county jail.”
We said, “Thank you, sir. You sure been nice
And you ain’t gonna have to tell us twice.”
And we were southbound and down with the wind blowin’ in our faces.
We kept on rolling and pretty soon
The radio was cookin’ out a Haggard tune
And we were pullin’ in to Houston and checking out all them places.
I was feeling dry and I said, “I think
We ought to stop and get ourselves a drink.”
Ol’ Jim said, “Yeah - We got time to kill.”
We kept on rollin’ and I seen this spot
And we pulled into the parking lot
Of this place called the Cloud Nine Bar and Grill.
We walked through the door and the place was jammed
The lights were low - they had a punk rock band
And some orange-haired feller singin’ ‘bout suicide.
I said, “Jim, this ain’t our kinda place.”
He said, “Well, let’s just have one round anyways.”
So, against my better judgment, we walked on inside.
Went up to the bar and we sat down
This fella walked up and said, “I’ll buy this round.”
And he set down on the barstool next to Jim.
He looked like a girl, but he talked like a guy;
Had lipstick on and mascara in his eye,
And everybody in that place looked just about like him.
I said, “Jim, this ain’t our kinda bar.
Let’s just go on out and get back in the car
‘Cause there’s gonna be trouble - Ain’t no sense in takin’ a chance.
We ‘as gettin’ up - Gettin’ ready to leave
Somebody grabbed Ol’ Jim by the sleeve -
Was this good-lookin’ girl - She was askin’ my buddy to dance.
I said, “Jim, don’t do it! There’s something amiss!
And there’s fellers dancing and fellers kissing!
There’s a feller in high-heel shoes wearing panty hose.”
He said, “Pardner, I just can’t turn this down.
You just go over there and have one more round.
I’ll dance with the lady and we’ll get on down the road.
So he walked away and left me alone
And this funny-looking feller kept comin’ on
And he was making me mad with some of the things he said.
And then he put his hand on my knee
I said, “If you don’t get your paw off me,
I’m gonna locate you nose around on the side of your head.”
He said, “I love it when you get that fire in your eyes.”
I said, “Well, pardner, try this on for size -”
And I unloaded on him - He went out like a light.
Everybody in that place musta been his friend.
They all headed for me. I said, “This is the end.”
‘Cause where I come from, we don’t give up without a fight.
They were screamin’ and yellin’, scratchin’, and clawin’.
I was punchin’ and hittin’ and kickin’ and pawin’ -
I was holdin’ my own ‘cause I’ve been in a scrap or two.
Ol’ Jim come runnin’ up out of the blue
And that gal he was with come runnin’ up, too,
And proceeded to beat on me with a high-heeled shoe.
I grabbed her by the hair - It come off in my hand
And that beautiful girl was just a beautiful man
And Ol’ Jim just got sick right there on the floor.
He dropped that dude like a shot from a gun.
Smeared his lipstick; made his make-up run,
And me and Ol’ Jim started fightin’ our way to the door.
And we lit outta there in that Chevrolet
And I put her on the floor and she stayed that way
We was going down the highway doing ‘bout a hundred and ten.
We was headed for home and we was gettin’ near
And then a red light come on in the rear-view mirror
And that same blamed cop was pullin’ us over again.
Well, I’m sittin’ here in this county jail -
I had to call my daddy to throw our bail
But I learned me a lesson that I never will forget again.
I done give up drinkin’ - I’ve give up bars
And runnin’ ‘round the country in souped-up cars
I’m goin’ back where the women are women and the men are men.