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Фрэнк Заппа Фрэнк ЗаппаАмериканский композитор и гитарист

Scene Five: The Wet T-Shirt Contest

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After a few weeks on the bus, being porked by Toad-O's road crew, and

being too exhausted to do their laundry on a regular basis, MARY is

dumped in Miami. With no money (and no other famous rock groups due into

the area for at least three weeks), she tries to pick up a few bucks by

entering the Wet T-shirt contest at *The Brasserie...*


Looks to me like something funny

Is going on around here

People laughin' 'n' dancin' 'n' payin'

Entirely too much for their beer

And they all think they are

Clean outa-site

And they're ready to party

'Cause the sign outside says it's


'N' they all crave some

Hot delight

Well the girls are excited

Because in a minute

They're gonna get wet

'N' the boys are delighted

Because all the titties

Will get 'em upset

'N' they all think they are


'N' they're ready to boogie

'Cause the sign outside says it's


'N' they all crave some

Pink delight

When the water gets on 'em

Their *ninnies* get rigid

'N' look pretty bold

It's a common reaction

That makes an attraction

Whenever it's cold

'N' all of the fellas

They wish they could bite

On the cute little nuggets

The local girls are showin' off tonite

You know I think it serves 'em right

You know I think it serves 'em right

You know I think it serves 'em right

You know I think it serves 'em right

And it's


I know you want someone to show you some tit!




At this point, FATHER RILEY *(who had been recently de-frocked for not

meeting his quota, and has grown his hair out and bought a groovy sport

coat and moved to Miami and changed his name to BUDDY JONES)* steps onto

the crowded bandstand in his exciting new role as a *WET T-SHIRT CONTEST


Buddy Jones:

Ah, thanks, IKE...

Yes, it's WET T-shirt TIME AGAIN

Here at the *Brasserie...*

Home of THE TITS...*huh huh...*

And it's the charming Mary from Canoga Park

Up next in her bid for the semi-finals...

Hi, Mary...howya doin'?

Having been fucked senseless by the boys in the crew, MARY does not

recognize the former religious personage from her nights in the rectory

basement during which she acquired her basic manual skills...confounded

by his sport coat, she replies...



Realizing that she no longer recognizes him...or even appreciates the

patient religious training he had given her in the past, BUDDY JONES,

like a true *WET T-SHIRT EMCEE* type person, proceeds to say various

stupid things to waste time, making the contest itself take longer,

thereby giving the mongoloids squatting on the dance floor an opportunity

to buy more exciting beverages...liquid products that will expand their

consciousnesses to the point whereby they might more fully enjoy the

ambiance of *Miami By Night...*

Buddy Jones:

Where ya from?


Ah, the bus...

Buddy Jones:

Which one?


You know...the last tour...

You know...Leather

Buddy Jones:

Oh...you were the girl stuck to seat 38 *Phydeaux III...* why don't you

get in position and take a deep breath, because this water is very, very

cold, but it's goin' to be so stimulating. And Mary's the kind of Red-

Blooded American Girl who'll do anything...



Buddy Jones:

I said anything...for fifty bucks

That's right!


I really need the fifty bucks you know

I gotta get home!

Buddy Jones:

Yeh, I know, your father is waiting for you in the tool shed...that's

right, you heard right...our big prize tonite is fifty American Dollars

to the girl with the most exciting *mammalian protuberances...*


Here I am!

Buddy Jones:

...as viewed through a thoroughly soaked, stupid looking white sort of

male person's conservative kind of middle-of-the-road COTTON

UNDERGARMENT! Whoopee! And here comes THE WATER!



Buddy Jones:

No, you'd squeak more if the water got on you...sounds like you just got

an ice pick in the forehead...AND HERE COMES THE ICE PICK IN THE FOREHEAD

...a million laughs, Mary! Anyway; good golly, what a mess...she's

totally soaked...yeh, totally committed to the fifty bucks...That's it

just step into the spotlight...let the guys get a good look at ya honey!


Here I am!

Buddy Jones:

Whaddya say, fellas?

Nice setta jugs?

Now Mary, how's about shakin' it around a little...



Buddy Jones:

Oh my goodness, look at her go!


Oooh! I'm dancing!

I'm dancing!

Buddy Jones:

Ain't this what living is really all about! Here's your fifty bucks



Oh great! Now I can go home!

Buddy Jones:

Home is where the heart is.


On the bus.

Фрэнк Заппа

Scene Five: The Wet T-Shirt Contest / Фрэнк Заппа

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