Well, I was feelin' sad and feelin' blue,
I didn't know what in the world I was gonna do,
Them communists they wus comin' around,
They wus in the air,
They wus on the ground.
They wouldn't gimme no peace. . .
So I run down most hurriedly
And joined up with the john birch society,
I got me a secret membership card
And started off a-walkin' down the road.
Yee-hoo, I'm a real john bircher now!
Look out you commies!
Now we all agree with hitlers' views,
Although he killed six million jews.
It don't matter too much that he was a fascist,
At least you can't say he was a communist!
That's to say like if you got a cold you take a shot of malaria.
Well, I wus lookin' everywhere for them gol-darned reds.
I got up in the mornin' 'n' looked under my bed,
Looked in the sink, behind the door,
Looked in the glove compartment of my car.
Couldn't find 'em . . .
I wus lookin' high an' low for them reds everywhere,
I wus lookin' in the sink an' underneath the chair.
I looked way up my chimney hole,
I even looked deep inside my toilet bowl.
They got away . . .
Well, I wus sittin' home alone an' started to sweat,
Figured they wus in my t.v. set.
Peeked behind the picture frame,
Got a shock from my feet, hittin' right up in the brain.
Them reds caused it!
I know they did . . . them hard-core ones.
Well, I quit my job so I could work alone,
Then I changed my name to sherlock holmes.
Followed some clues from my detective bag
And discovered they wus red stripes on the american flag!
That ol' betty ross . . .
Well, I investigated all the books in the library,
Ninety percent of 'em gotta be burned away.
I investigated all the people that I knowed,
Ninety-eight percent of them gotta go.
The other two percent are fellow birchers . . . just like me.
Now eisenhower, he's a russian spy,
Lincoln, jefferson and that roosevelt guy.
To my knowledge there's just one man
That's really a true american: george lincoln rockwell.
I know for a fact he hates commies cus he picketed the movie exodus.
Well, I fin'ly started thinkin' straight
When I run outa things to investigate.
Couldn't imagine doin' anything else,
So now I'm sittin' home investigatin' myself!
Hope I don't find out anything . . . hmm, great god!