i'm staring out into that vacuum again
from the back porch of my mind
the only thing that's alive
i'm all there is
and i start attacking my vodka
stab the ice with a straw
my eyes have turned red as stoplights
you seem ready to walk
you know i'll call you eventually
when i wanna talk
till then you're invisible
cause there's a switch that gets hit
& it all stops making sense.
& in the middle of drinks, maybe the 5th
or the 6th, i'm completely alone at a
table of friends.
i feel nothing for them.
i feel nothing.
well, i need a break from the city again
I think I'll ship myself back west.
I got a friend there, she says "hey, any time."
unless that offers expired, i have been less
she's under no obligation to indulge every whim
& i'm so ungrateful, i take, she gives &forgives.
& i keep forgetting it.
& each morning she wakes with a dream to
describe, something lovely that bloomed from
her beautiful mind. I said "I'll trade you one
for two nightmares of mine. i have some where
i die. I have some where we all die."
I'm thinking of quitting drinking again,
i know i said that a couple of times. &i'm
always changing my mind, well, i guess i am.
but there's this burn in my stomach
& there's this pain in my side.
& when i kneel at the toilet, &the mornings
clean light pours in through the window
sometimes i pray i don't die.
I'm a goddamn hypocrite.
but the night rolls around &it all starts making
sense. there is no right way or wrong way, you
just have to live. so i do what i do & at least I
exist. what could mean more than this?
what could mean more?